I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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