everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Randomize
