sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
