I wanna passion pit in your ass
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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