So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize