can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
