I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
