You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
