I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
