good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
I would fuck him just for his dog
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
