he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
