I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
