I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
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