Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
