I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
