the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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