I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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