I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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