I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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