If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
