Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize