cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
