DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I don't deserve a penis
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
