pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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