The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I need mimosas to revive my soul
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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