clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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