normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
Randomize
