I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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