just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
