Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
