she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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