I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Randomize
