i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
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