Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
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