Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
