i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
