Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
