My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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