rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
