I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
