God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
