Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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