Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize