I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
