I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize