one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
Randomize
