Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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