so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
Randomize
