I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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