I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
