does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
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