We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
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