Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
