getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
