guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
