If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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