shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
