I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I am spending my child support on dildos
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
