Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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