he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
‪So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?‬
Randomize
