Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Text me some of your sweat
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
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