Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Randomize
