He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
