this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
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