Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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