he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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