Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Randomize
