I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
