I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
