If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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