I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
